My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
