Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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