I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
