Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
