The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
My pussy is not your playground.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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