My liver just broke up with me...
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
