Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
