you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
