I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
