Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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