I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
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