my phone needs a breathalizer
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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