remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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