i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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