You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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