shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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