I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
