my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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