My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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