Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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