A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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