You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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