i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
