i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Randomize
