I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
