I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
