I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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