I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
