my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
