Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
