My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize