I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
