Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
