Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
