There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
When are your genitals available?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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