Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize