I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize