Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
