You just made me feel so damn special
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
