I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
my poor anus
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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