that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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