It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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