Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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