just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
