I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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