toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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