I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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