Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize