I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
