that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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