please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I pour the whiskey from now on
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
