The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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