so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
