my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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