I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize