Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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